<p>From time to time even the strongest couples experience <a href=\”http://riverpathcolorado.com/our-services/\” class=\”ui-editor-link-external\”>relationship problems</a>. Many times these relationship issues are circumstantial and temporary, perhaps a mistake was made, and can be handled in the short-term. Some of them, however, are reflective of deeper issues in the relationship.</p>
<p>Because everyone isn’t raised in the same home and not everyone has the same values, not everything runs smoothly right off the bat.</p>
<p><strong><span style=\”text-decoration: underline;\”>Do you and your partner:</span></strong></p>
<ol>
<li>Have the same views about money and finances?</li>
<li>Have the same views about how to raise and discipline children?</li>
<li>Have the same views about sex and intimacy?</li>
<li>Have the same views about family?</li>
<li>Have the same views about religion and spirituality?</li>
<li>Have the same views about conflict resolution & communication?</li>
</ol>
<p>Chances are that you share similar views on many of these but not all of them. Discrepancies come up and cause relationship problems and can cause tremendous rifts when those conversations don’t go well, especially when your views of conflict resolution and communication are at odds.</p>
<p><span style=\”text-decoration: underline;\”><strong>Here are some tips for smoothing out<a href=\”http://riverpathcolorado.com/contact-us/\” class=\”ui-editor-link-external\”> communication</a>:</strong></span></p>
<ol>
<li><span style=\”line-height: 13px;\”><strong>“I first” language.</strong> Address concerns to your partner by beginning your statements with “I think…” or “I feel…”. When we start sentences off with “You do…” or “You are being…” it immediately causes defensiveness in our partners, which limits their receptiveness to what you’re sharing with them. </span></li>
<li><strong>Verbally recognize that you understand what your partner is sharing with you.</strong> Often times we hear through a defensive lens, distorting what the other person is actually saying. Checking in with them by saying “I think what you’re telling me is that I hurt your feelings….” or “It sounds like what you’re trying to tell me is….” gives them the opportunity to clear up and miscommunication but it also indicates that you’re listening.</li>
<li><strong>Consider that a message can be shared and transmitted in many ways and what way your partner will most likely be receptive to it.</strong> The old saying is, “It’s not what you say, but how you say it”. It holds especially true. Envision you and I are having an argument and it goes something like this: ”You’re such a jerk to me when we’re out with our friends. Why do you have to be such a witch?”. That will likely lead to both of us feeling hot headed and less willing to work cooperatively together. Now what if we tried it this way; “I feel really reactive to the way you talk to me in front of some of our friends. It makes me feel attacked and I know you probably don’t mean that. Will you help me by being a little more mindful of some of that?”. This version has the speaker taking ownership of their feelings and not attacking the other person — much more likely to be effective.</li>
<li><strong>Remember that the person you’re talking to is supposed to be someone you love.</strong> When we first become romantically involved, we are very concerned with the wellness of the other person and try harder to ensure that we’re doing right by them. That sometimes gets lost as the relationship evolves. Try to remember that the disagreement isn’t about being “right”, it’s about helping the other person feel respected and attended to.</li>
</ol>
<p>We encourage you to have these conversations with your partner and to try implementing them into your relationships. One of the many benefits of marriage counseling is having an expert there to help you identify where communication breaks down and causes those relationship problems for you two, specifically. If you decide you want that extra help, <a href=\”http://riverpathcolorado.com/contact-us/\” class=\”ui-editor-link-external\”>let us be your guide through that process</a>. We have extensive experience helping couples work through communication issues.</p><p>- <a href=\”https://plus.google.com/105182342113293066704?rel=author\”>Alex Michaud</a> <br></p>